Mental health

Where to begin, mental health is not a subject I deal with not one I think many people would expect me to write a blog post about but here goes.

I have forced myself to stop building for the next season of Battlebots. I’ve taken time away since probably mid-December. My parents came to visit for Christmas, like many expat families I hadn't seen them since before the pandemic and Zoom, WhatsApp, and Portal can only do so much to elevate the pain of missing your family. I spent time with my wife, the entire reason for me being in America. I made things that were not Battlebots for the first time in years. I made a puppet! A replica of The Professor from Puppet History (go watch it it's the best) and I delved into Warhammer 40,000 for the first time in over a decade.

The simple joy of making things knowing they were entirely for me, knowing they won't be destroyed in a matter of minutes in front of millions of people, knowing that I can enjoy them for as long as I want to was the greatest relief in making things that I have felt in years.

People often ask “How does it feel to see thousands of dollars worth of Battlebot get destroyed” and the simple response is I don't feel anything. Not anymore. There's no love for what I make, that goes in the Battlebox.

The bots are made on a production line of parts over weeks and weeks and I feel nothing for them anymore not since Foxic mk3.

I poured my heart and soul into making Foxic, the robot brought me joy and near bankruptcy to build. Days and days of grinding and welding to keeping and tweaking for it to be remembered by most as “it's shit”

I know it didn't do what it should have done on the TV show, but given time and energy it won a lot of fights and it was extremely fun to work on and drive.

Predator, Hyena, Foxtrot, SlamMow, and Slammo don't feel the same, they've become monolithic a means to an end. The new Slammo doesn't break that mold. After filming ended on September 3rd I made a point of striking while the iron was hot and designed a robot based on what I think we need to build to win Battlebots as a control bot. I designed the robot in about 2 weeks and about 4 weeks later we had the robot mostly together with the intention of getting it to Robot Ruckus but sadly a laser cutting company made the parts for the weapon gearbox wrong and we had to put it back a few weeks. Mid November we had Slammo 22 running and iterated on to a B spec already. It's going to be great but I needed a break from building it. I had to stop for a while and not do Slammo.

In 09 I was at my lowest point, the lowest I have ever felt. Robot Combat was what I used to get me out of that hole, depression took me down a dark path but I carried on not letting depression win. I gave myself targets within robot Combat, this is what I wanted to achieve it's what drove me forward. It's what got me out of bed and up every day, it's what made me put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.

When I'm asked, “What does robot combat mean to me?” Or “What does it mean to do well at Battlebots” (Chris Rose asked me this at filming in 2020) The answer is everything. It means everything to me because robot combat gave me everything I have. It gave me hope and it gave me reason. It gave me something to fight for and it gave me something to work towards. It's corny and cheesy I know but robot combat saved my life.

When you’re depressed and you can't see away out finding yourself a light in the darkness means a great deal. For me robot combat was that light. Battlebots was always the goal. I want to win every fight, I want to be the champion. I know I can be, I know I can't do it alone and that's why I have my friends on my team.

But at the same time, I've reached a point where robot combat isn't the most important thing in my life now. My break has shown me I can be happy making none robot combat things. So now Battlebots is something else to me what I can't exactly explain. It still matters to me and would be one of my proudest achievements I still have a burning desire to win it all but I can't deal with the mental burnout I get every year with Battlebots.